Day one:
I'm recalling this a few months out as
convinced by a friend so you are going to have to give me a small
break if the details aren’t exactly
correct. Wait, let us go back to basics on this. The conception of
tinder was to allow those that wanted to sleep with someone to locate
someone in their vicinity that was looking to do the same and “swipe
right”... Swipe right for like, Swipe left for dislike. Your
profile consists of a maximum of 500 characters and from what I can
tell, seven pictures? I found it easier to link to my Instagram, and
oh yeah; it pulls all of your personal information from Facebook
because lets be real, at this point Zuckerberg owns us all.
So once you
“match” with someone, meaning they and you both swiped right, you
are able to chat with said individual. No chat until they have
accepted your photos as attractive enough for them. Simple enough. I
should mention I was on vacation at the time I started using Tinder
and really didn't have any intentions other than letting someone come
take to me to the bar or drink on the beach with me and play card
games. No, really. Tinder consists of lots of matching and not a good
amount of talking in this chat feature I mentioned earlier. I'm not
100% sure why exactly a male would swipe right and then never talk to
someone, but you can bet your ass as the female I won't say the first
word. It's really not strategic to be honest, and neither is giving
out your phone number too hastily which I found out later.
Um fast forward to
the first date – tall, handsome music producer based in Pacific
Beach. Slim, well-dressed and wanted to meet at a coffee shop... I
should've known he was a square going into it. I take that back, he
was actually quite funny and I got along with him quite well until he
dropped the kids and ex-wife bomb on me, which brings us to lesson
one. ALWAYS check the Instagram. Social media and dating in our day
and age is such a peculiar thing. Its really great in the way that it
allows the woman to really take the reins and understand that she has
the reigns in said relationship/interaction. Oh yeah, don't dare use
the relationship word. I think as women we tend to think so hard
about one individual and the future with that individual that we tend
to forget there is an entire sea of men out there waiting for you...
Easy come, easy go. Probably the best thing that I've been able to
take away from Tinder. Plus, if I've got four other guys on deck, it
makes it much easier to be relaxed in our interaction and actually
possibly nail it.
When Matt brought
up something about having kids, he could definitely tell by the look
on my face that I didn't know which is when he asked if I had checked
his Instagram... um, no? Big mistake. Extremely sweet guy, but two
middle school age kids plus ex-wife equals a me free equation. Either
way, I got a free iced coffee out of it and he wasn't bad to look
at.. definitely skinny. A little too skinny for me, which brings me
to lesson two.
Lesson Two: Don't
rule out a body type – I have always been into extremely skinny
guys. I've slept with all types, and obviously everyone enjoys
someone that can dwarf them in bed and all, but I've always had this
thing for skinny guys.. until Jacob. I should probably add at this
point that I've changed everyones names because frankly if one of
these guys finds this, its likely I didn't say nice things about them
and I definitely don’t feel like having that conversation. So Jacob
is a friend of...the family that I met while on vacation, and I blame
him for my entrance into the Tinder world. While looks wise he was
definitely out of my league, I had the upper intellect hand on him
which made it easy to make the guy fall for me. Standing at six foot
four and at least 240 pounds of muscle, he was definitely the one
that ruined average height skinny guys for me. Fucking Jacob. Now,
I'm just a sucker for anyone that can pick me up and slam me into a
wall. I digress. Lesson two comes full circle about ten dates in, so
bear with me.
Date two was what
drove me to solidify the whole Instagram and, really, attention to
detail aspect of my tinder life. Date two was with Ducati, who earned
his nickname because he picked me up on his Ducati. Now, being the
person I am, this was extremely exciting to me. I should note here
that all of his tinder pictures were of just him and when someone
tells you what kind of bike they ride, you should most certainly
google those dimensions before agreeing to get on the back. Also,
don't ride on the back of someone's bike you have never met. It is
really not wise and although nothing happened, motorcycles are
dangerous. Anyway, loverboy shows up late around 11:30 and I walk out
to meet him – I'm an average height girl around 5'6”, but I am
always wearing heels.... Ducati appears to be about 5'5” on a good
day. Now, I have always felt that the male should be taller than the
female, but in this case especially as riding on the back of a
motorcycle with someone shorter and skinnier than you is never a safe
plan. Cue awkward motorcycle ride to his favorite dive bar.. Upon
entering we learn its last call and we grab a beer. He seems
relatively normal and although hes short I'm thinking there might be
a future based on his adorable face and the fact that he seems to
have quite a bit of money.
Lesson Three:
Welcome to the dating world ladies, do. Not. Pay. For. Anything. I
get it, you are an independent woman and I am too, which is why we
should save our money for new shoes and expensive face products to
make ourselves look good on these dates. Don't offer to pay, they'll
let you.
This is where it
really went south and I have to credit the dating world and tinder in
general for providing me so many dates that showed me exactly what I
do not want in a mate or someone I am dating. Ducati was looking for
a pen and screamed at the bartender to borrow one... not only did it
come off rude but I was totally embarrassed to be with him. Men, do
not be rude to service industry personnel, even if you want to be.
Women, this is exactly how he will eventually treat you... run for
the fucking hills if you do not like it.
I allowed the date
to progress because frankly I was stranded on a Ducati in a random
bar in San Diego and free drinks. He took me down the street to
another divey place with a pool table. After watching his
interactions with other people I can definitely tell it is a little
man complex and although I had already decided I wasn't going to
sleep with him, it really put the nail in the coffin. Hes trying to
negotiate the table from another group of patrons at the bar and
frankly the entire interaction was painful to watch but he continues
to keep my interest because he has clearly gone on dates and knows he
is supposed to be asking me questions about myself and acting
interested in the answers. We rack the balls, he breaks; and he
proceeds to clear the entire fucking table in one turn. ONE. As in, I
never got a chance to show up my lackluster yet sexy pool skills.
Fucking NO chill with this one. We play a second game and I get a few
hits in but generally speaking it progresses the same way , until the
third game which I seem to have a fighting chance. The great news is
that my pool skills drastically improve the more I drink, however the
unfortunate news is that despite that, I find out asshole is playing
with his left hand and has been the entirety of the game. Mother
fucker. Whatever, I almost won. We close the bar down and head back
to the beach house... I argue with him about six times that he cannot
under any circumstances go inside the house as my family is in there
but we are welcome to sit on the patio and watch the ocean tide. I go
inside to the go the bathroom and you can guess hes sitting on the
ledge between the family room and living room as I exit. Really? Come
on..
We take a bottle of
red wine and sit on the patio until 4:30 am drinking and talking
about generalities of life. At a few points I ask him to make sure he
isn't gay and although he adimentlyy denies it, I am not buying it.
We make out a bit and he heads home. Lord jesus, I hope this kid
finds someone that can put him in his place and fuck him without
getting bruises on her inner legs.
Day Two:
Dirty boy.. I can not say with 100%
certainty that he was dirty, but I can confirm that he liked reggae
music and had one of those odd half scruffy/half homeless beards.
Dudes, this shit does not look good. Please stop. So I talked with
Brendan over tinder and then over text.... you always have to
disclose your phone number at some point. Be forever weary if they
disclose first. So I did some extra recon on this guy – looked up
pictures of him WITH other people, asked for the Instagram and
frankly at this point I am feeling like a total professional.. until
he shows up and hes about 5'6”. Where the fuck are all these short
guys coming from? At this point I am literally convinced that Tinder
is full of only short guys. I mean how in the hell is this happening
to me? Fucking Jacob. That's how. In the mean while, Jacob is still
on the back burner, I need to be up front about that. Hell, he is
still on the back burner and could become the front burner if he just
said the word. I digress. Dirty boy.. I actually asked the family if
I could bring him back to meet them and hang out.. fam abides,
however Mom asks how tall he is as she was just recounted the date
with Ducati. Funny part is, I never asked. God damnit. So dirty boy
comes and meets the fam, we go to the beach with red solo cups to
drink some beers. After talking to him for about 4.5 seconds, I
realize this is in no way a situation with any future and although
hes a lovely sweet guy, adult acne and bad sunglasses are another one
of these unknown deal breaker situations that I now know about....
well, I have always known about bad sunglasses.
I go to Wave House with dirty boy
after the cops roll up and tell us we cant drink on the beach...
neighbor boys are there... we will address them when they come about.
Dirty boy and I drink some more beers (that he paid for), and he
leaves my company to go to work. I get back and recount the mediocre
at best date to mother and they head to dinner.
Then came Producer. Oh, producer.
Producer is very special because I feel like he was the first of many
tinders that had the ability and probability to leave me dead in a
ditch, along with the capitol to cover something like that up. What
attracted me to producer... I could not really answer that if I
tried. He was definitely attractive, but skinny, blonde and to be
honest with you looked a lot like my ex boyfriend, only more
successful and wildly more attractive. His grammar was horrible
within the Tinder messenger but I let it slide and went to meet him
at a party in downtown San Diego. I neglect to mention that the
weekend we are in town was Comicon. So he comes down to the lobby in
this insanely proper and rather fancy hotel that is hosting a
Comicon party and currently the DJ is playing Windowlicker by Aphex
Twin. If you don't know, look it up - What a strange juxtaposition.
Uh producer is nothing short of amazing.. divorced, but funny,
successful, attractive and paid for everything on his corporate
card.. what more can you ask for? We end up in an Uber on the way
back to his hotel on Coronado in which I lay my head in his lap to
sleep.. Comicon traffic is insane and it was at least an hour ride.
We arrive at the hotel to the Uber driver screaming at us that we are
disgusting and his kids ride in the back of that car and he can't
believe us. This is always a funny story to recount because most
people think that I am lying and there was actually a sexual act
being performed in the backseat... make no mistake – if there were
a sexual act being performed I would 100% cop to it and almost feel a
bit proud.... there was no sexual act.
